


And So It Goes

by Tibbins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27513133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tibbins/pseuds/Tibbins
Summary: Dean is in shock and trying to process.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	And So It Goes

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was a hell of an episode and a hell of a way to make our favourite ship canon, am I right?
> 
> I wrote something to celebrate in the most angsty way possible (hey, it's what I do).
> 
> Title is taken from the song And So It Goes by Billy Joel (the lyrics fit so perfectly, I recommend giving it a listen).
> 
> Enjoy ^_^

Dean’s ass was numb by the time his phone fell silent on the concrete next to him. He hadn’t checked it since dropping it there so he didn’t know how long it had been. His face was stiff with dried tears but he had regained control of his breathing at least. He felt strangely numb, empty almost, ironically. He just sat where he had been thrown, his back growing cold from the stone he leaned against. His throat felt dry and swollen, the way it did when he got a cold, like all the bad feelings had lodged themselves there in a singular ball of unpleasantness that he couldn’t swallow down but couldn’t quite throw up either.

Kind of like the words he should have said before Cas got devoured by black ooze.

However long he’d been here it had been enough time for him to repeat Cas’ final words over and over again a hundred times. That entire speech was seared into him now, every word a needle-prick of pain that at the time he hadn’t been able to comprehend. The initial spark of hope that Cas had a way to save them from Billie, the bomb-drop of some kind of deal he’d struck, a rumination on his happiness and then a slew of compliments for Dean. He’d practically got whiplash trying to follow Cas’ train of though. And then he’d started crying.

He’d never seen Cas cry before.

Those wide blue eyes had spilled over even as his face cracked into a smile, a smile fuller than he’d seen on Cas in a long time, more than a simple quirk of the lips or small chuckle, this smile had been something much deeper. But he was crying, and talking about Dean and Dean didn’t know what was going on.

It didn’t make sense. None of this made any sense. Death was literally at the door and here Cas was waxing poetic about Dean? Smiling through his tears, staring at him with such raw openness. He could tell Cas was building to something but he was too stupid to put the pieces together. It wasn’t until he started talking about how Dean had changed him, taught him to care (bullshit. Cas had always cared, that’s why Dean had liked him in the first place. He was the only person outside of family that had helped him simply because he’d _asked_ ) that something Cas had said earlier came back to him.

“ _Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being, it’s in just saying it_.”

And right then Cas was saying an awful lot.

_He’s chasing his happy,_ Dean realised. _He’s trying to cash in on his deal._

This was a goodbye, this was Cas committing suicide right in front of him and laying his soul bare as he did it, _in order_ to do it. The next breath held for barely a second, and then there it was.

“I love you.”

Dean shook his head even as his heart lurched. He didn’t have time to process that, not when Cas was about to state the thing he wanted to say, the thing that would call the Empty.

“Don’t do this, Cas.” He’d said, not realising that it had just been done. _Don’t say that when you’re about to leave me alone. Stop talking and we’ll face Billie together, we’ll figure out the rest, and then I’ll be able to say—_

Then the wall had opened up behind him, the door had given way to Death, and it had finally clicked in his brain.

Cas loved him. Cas, _loved_ him. And saying it had sealed his doom.

“Cas _—”_

But Cas already had a hand on his shoulder, had already said, “Goodbye, Dean.” With a hint of the old gravelly timbre that had softened somewhat over the years, had already tossed him to the side. The image of the final, peaceful, _joyful_ expression on Cas’ face boring itself into his skull as it was cruelly yanked through the portal to a place he couldn't follow.

So now he sat on the hard concrete of the dungeon while his ass got numb, while his throat ached with all the unsaid things he should have voiced, if only because it was his last chance to say them.

Dean had always known that everyone he loved had a shelf-life. Those who helped them too much or got too close were targeted by whatever evil they were chasing down, or ended up sacrificing themselves so that the Winchester brothers could carry on with the crazy plan they’d come up with. Every time it ripped him apart from the inside, but he could _—_ in whatever recess of his brain tried to justify the loss just so that he could get up and keep going the next day _—_ reason that their choices had been noble ones. They had died because they got sucked into the maelstrom that was their lives, embroiled in a constant fight against demons and deities and things that wanted to end all life or control it or hurt it as much as possible. They had done what they had and fought by their side because it was the right thing to do.

But Cas? He was dead because he loved Dean. It was as simple as that. In that moment he had called the Empty to save Dean from Billie’s scythe but even if he _hadn’t_ , even if they’d somehow found another way out, even if they managed to take down Chuck and restore the world to peace and a new kind of free will, Cas still would have died because he loved Dean. Either that, or he would have spent the rest of eternity not allowing himself to be happy.

And he wasn’t entirely sure which was worse.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come yell at me on [tumblr](https://tibbinswrites.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Love Tibbins xx


End file.
